February 1, 2012- Don’t forget me
When you see my name, does it kill you like it kills me? What do you think when someone says my name around you? I just want you. I hate seeing you and knowing that I fucked up what possibly could have been the best thing that ever happened to me. It kills me how your mom talks to me as if we are still talking. I miss you. I want to be with you more than anything. But I fucked all of that up on December 16. It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve been in your arms. What hurts the most is to see you in the hall, and you seem just fine. I might seem fine to everybody else, but I am completely in pieces on the inside. I haven’t been myself since that day. I’m bitter, I’m moody, and I’m just a straight up bitch. I smile less, don’t laugh as much. I’m just not the same happy Colleen I was with you. I act like I hate you, when in all reality, I love you. I can’t stop thinking about you. You are on my mind 24/7. I just can’t stop thinking about you. I’ve tried to move on. It just won’t work for me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m completely lost. I want you and only you. But it’s obvious that you don’t want anything to do with me. I’m sorry about that night. I’m sorry about all the shit I’ve ever put you through. I’m just sorry about everything. This is my entire fault. I just wish I could go back and change the things I did wrong and just completely start things over. But I know good and well that, that isn’t going to happen. I miss you like crazy, I’m hurt, I’m completely broken, and you don’t even care. One day I’ll be strong enough to move on, and get over the fact that I lost you. But for a little while, I’m going to pretend I’m fine, and try to make it in this fucked up world. One day I hope you realize how much I really did care for you, and love you. The day you got in a wreck after school, I texted you but you never texted me back. I worried about you all night. I knew you were fine because there wasn’t an ambulance, but I was still worried. I couldn’t help but be worried. Do you think that all the other girls would have been worried? Probably not. I even texted Chase…If that lets you know how worried I was. It’s not like any of this matters anyway. I just needed to clear my head.
